Ch.5 Mission: Going Homeless "Too busy to be homeless"

"All events are true based on how I remember & interpret them, though names have been changed. The facts and opinions I talk about regarding these issues are typically well researched and not written lightly on, without much thought and consideration. These blogs are drafts that will be gone over in time when compiled into the book. They are being posted now to promote the issues "now" and to get feed back from those who wish to help in the process. Just because you are tagged in them I do not expect you will always have the time to read or keep up with them, so please don't feel obligated to. I expect some if not many grammatical and spelling errors. Other than that please feel free to give me feed back whither, positive or critical. I need both! Either with my writing style, ethical principles or philosophical interpretations. Some of the issues I discuss involve walking a fine line between respecting certain views in several subject areas and challenging them and the status-quo... I'm trying to walk it the best I can. Thank you!

12/18/12
I show up to the shelter just a little before 8 p.m. My good friend and partner in changing the world Trevin Mckee drops me off. Trevin is the one that offered to let me rent a room as an office/flop house. He is a always full of spunk and nervous laughs. A brilliant man with a big heart, big vision and wise advice... when I can understand his mode of "thinking out loud"  which often come in the form of vague concepts and an ability to go off on tangents. To say the least he always requires me to really think about things. We have worked on many projects together including being in business together on our last venture before it went belly up. I am dressed in light blue jeans, a light blue dress shirt with light brown pinstripes underneath a light brown suit jacket and dress shoes to match. An outfit that puts me out of place at the shelter.  Trevin and I had just returned from our weekly Toast Masters meeting in which I am, as of this year, the president of. I have with me three bags and a portable filling case. One of the bags is a black Everlast bag with yellow pinstripes complete with handle and wheels included. It use to hold all my fighting gear but now holds my clothes and stuff that will be kept at the shelter. Bag two is a very large duffel bag that holds clothes that I am giving way along with the cloths of others donated. The third bag is the backpack that I almost never leave anywhere... except when I leave it somewhere. Which happens more often than I like. My father seems to be irritated by my ability to leave and forget stuff all the time. But his irritation doesn't even come close to the irritation i get from it. It holds a number of things I need on a day to day basses, books for research, important papers, medication & vitamins, phone charger, lap top, pens...basically anything I feel I might need at any given time. So basically for those of us who don't have cars...we have backpacks,ha. The portable filling case is of coarse for me to hold all the other important papers I need for this and other projects.  As I head in there are people out side smoking as usual. Peter is outside, dressed in a 49ers sweater and sweat pants. He waves with a cigarette in his hand and gives me the "hey buddy." Smoke rolling from his mouth. "Gloves" is dressed in his usual layered out fit, the last "coat" being a knock off leather jacket with his "worlds greatest dad" hat atop his head. He seems pretty inebriated which is not  unusual for him this late in the eveing. That half toothless smile on his face. "Gloves" is a character. He tricked me out of three cigarettes one night by asking me for one, and out of the goodness of my heart I gave him three. It was only a short time after all three cigarettes were smoked did I see him pull a full pack from his socks,ha. I just laughed and said "You hood winked me you tricker."   He of coarse denied it, saying he forget...in which could of been the case given his state at the moment. I just let it go. I mean It's not like I never did the same thing when I was younger. Either lying or forgetting about having them my self. As I walk in the door, Chuck, a  blue collar middle aged man, dark hair coming out the sides of baseball cap, is there to greet me along with a room full of people. They are all finished eating and caring on with some conversation around the big, whit rectangle tables.  "Hey guys what's up" I say. "I have a bag full of clothes, both men and women if anyone is interested in looking. I drop the larger of the three bags on to the washer and dryers to the right of me. Carie, the lady with the smokey voice who came in the other day asks me if I have any jogging pants in there. This kind of throws me of guard for a moment. Thinking to myself..."Why would she be jogging? She doesn't seem like the jogging type to me." I let it go and simply say "I'm not for sure, you'll just have to check." I make my way to the back and Tim is back here, red shirt and his usual gym shorts. It looks like he's busy doing something, though I don't know what. His stuff is on my bed and before I get a chance to even say hey, he apologizes and tells me he'll move it.  I tell him not to worry about it and ask which of the cubby holes can I place my Bag in? He points to a couple and I place my Everlast bag in the big constructed shelves meant for our personal belongings and leave my backpack on my bed.  Chuck meets me half way down the short hall in between the back and the front and asks for my ID. I still haven't received my PADS card. I guess I'm suppose to meet with Glen, the director of PADS to get it. Something I need to put at the top of my priorities list anyway just to touch base. Glen is a younger guy, older than me about 28 if I recall right. he has long hair curly dark hair usually kept in a pony tail and a college look to him still. But don't let this throw you. He is as professional and effective as they come. He has done a tremendous job with turning Pads into a more positive direction. Something I will discuss in detail later on. Just know that he is the man! After Chuck get's me registered he asks the usual question "Are you hungry?"  I say "Yes!" Having not eaten since I awoke at 4:30pm and opted out of eating with Trevin to save on money, knowing I would have food awaiting me here at the shelter. Chuck asks me if a turkey slad sandwich, green beans and cookies are alright. I tell him "It will be fine." As I sit down next to John, the man with the ring on his finger but no evidence of a wife...which I find out later is staying with her parents, I introduce my self to the new younger couple is sitting beside him. they seem polite enough but full of spunk. John is dressed in gray sweat pants and black hoodie. We began to talk and some how without me even bringing it up we get on the subject of vegetarians. According to John they are all ass holes. After asking him how he got this conclusion he tells me because Paul McCartney is a vegetarian and he's an ass hole. I think to my self "Are you serious?" .... And after a little more diving i find out...He is,ha! I go on to tell him I am for the most part a vegetarian and he holds to his statement, again referring to his experience that  a lot of famous people are vegetarians and they are ass holes. I laugh a little still finding it hard to believe that he really believes this fallacious logic holds true. In the field of "Logic", a class I just took out of personal interest and to sharpen my skills, It would be known as a "False cause fallacy." I go on to try and explain to him that what one eats has nothing to do with their attitudes torward others and that if anything it could be said that famous people can come off as "ass holes" because they are harassed all day long, twenty four seven. But he is unable to see this logical connection. Chuck brings out my food, A big bowl of green beans, some cookies and a turkey sandwich. I am excited for the green beans and eat them up quick with the bread and leave the turkey and all but one of the cookies. The conversation has now some how turned to politics, the new girl, a young girl about early mid twenties and several piercings in her face is in a heated debate with our friend John. It is clear by now that John is conservative and the young girl is a liberal. As someone who is found of debating I struggle to stay out of this one, knowing that no real good could come out of it... but lack the will power to do so. I am neither a democrat or republican and try stay as much in the middle as I can by being open minded to both sides based off logical reasoning and facts. Though I will say that I  hold more liberal views in several key areas. With the debate at hand  I am necessarily pulled into the conversation for one side or the other. It was more of the fact that both sides carried with them very inconsistent logical arguments based on speculation, opinions and "facts" from unreliable sources that lead me to put in my two sense. Being someone who is has the gift of being very analytical (Clifton Strength finder program) and driven by logical reasoning, facts and probabilities I was simply trying to clean up some of the fallacious reasoning used by both sides. "Obama is the sole reason for our economic collapse" John spat off, The new girl firing back with " Whatever Obama the best president we've ever had. He helps the poor."  "Yea by stealing it from the government."  "un-hun, he pays it from his pocket. He's a good christian man" "Oh no!" says John "Obama is a devout Muslim...it says forever Allah on his his wedding ring." Anyone with a strength of being "Analytical" Finds this type reasoning and facts to be highly questionable if not irritating,ha. For the most part I  know when I'm entering into an area i know little to nothing about and I at least know enough not to argue it. If anything I question it or them with logic and what little understanding I have of the subject at hand. Which is what I tried doing with the both of them. But for the most part they wanted to ignore me and argue amongst themselves...Which to be honest did irritate me a bit, I must admit.  The more in ensued, the more it continued to escalate because even more people jumped in. Some on the right some on the left. It eventually got to the point where Chuck, the volunteer had to make attempts to cut off any discussions on politics. But it was little to no avail. It was not until Gigi, got involved and started arguing and ranting about how the maps are all different in the area, how nothing is real that the maps keep on changing... or something like that. It was such a weird ramble that we all had to stop and scratch our heads to figure out just what she was talking about. But it was just what we needed and more than likely a reflection of what we sounded like, just rambling on about stuff in a manner that was not conducive or therapeutic to our situation. The silence it brought was enough to let everyone cool off for a moment to realize this was not going anywhere, and fast.----- I once strayed away from almost any type of debating or being critical of others ideas and even my own. Preferring to keep the harmony and let others, and often times my self "save face and to hold on to things that when look at deeper would fall apart under speculation. It wasn't until I really started to learn, accept and apply my strengths did I my eyes open to the necessity of one's ability to question things. Especially when it is in a manner that is conducive to growth and not just the  intellectual defeat of our opponent. Much of my research in "WAGE PEACE"  is dedicated to education reform. What we are learning, how we learn, the environments in which we learn and on. I am now somewhat convinced that classes on logic and epistemology should be part of the core curriculum of grade schools. I cam to this conclusion based off several factors that are connected together, but the one that sealed the deal was when I took my first "official" class on the subject of "Logic" at lake land. I was fascinated by it and grew tremendously because of it. Logic gives one the ability to step away from bias and opinion. It allows one to come to sound conclusions about the decisions they make or the ideas they hold to be true. It helps them way the facts or probabilities to come to the best conclusion. Logic is the "scientific method" of arguments and ideas. It is why the field of science has grown more rapidly and done more good for the overall good of humanity then things like dogmatic religion, not to be confused spirituality. The scientific method's sole purpose is to keep an open minded and seek out  the truth whither it can be pinned down to a fact or a level of probability. It's not on the other hand  looking to accept anything based just on a feeling or faith. Not that faith isn't just as important, because it is definitely is and has been detrimental to new discoveries science. The thing is when faith isn't counteracted with logical reasoning it gives way to closed minded, dogmatic views. There is no room for doubt and it is often discouraged. And to seek the truth of anything often times requires a level of doubt. It requires one to look to try and prove their  own theory or idea wrong and be willing to accept it when its inevitably is apparent. Denis Palumbo, a psychotherapist puts it this way  “Faith and doubt, both are needed, not as antagonists but working side by side, to take us around the unknown curve.The mistake, I think, is to strive to banish Doubt, to see it as the enemy. Because, just as courage has no meaning without fear, faith has no meaning without doubt. They’re the yin and yang of all aspiration and truth  The paradox of struggling with doubt — as with all so-called “negative” feelings — is that only by inviting it in, exploring and illuminating its meanings, can we be enriched as creatively. This is especially true for the. The plain fact is, the more willing you are to mine the landscape of your own doubts, the truer and more recognizably the truth may come to life"  Imagine what this cold do for us as a society! It would lessen closed minded  bickering, and subjective biased opinions or at the least let people be able to hold conversations on hot topics without getting so negatively emotional. It is well known that when strong emotions get involved the thinking process and creative process can be hindered greatly, along with the ability to hear and accept information that very well could be true. This happens because any since of threat will cause the brain to go into a low drive and act out of it fight or flight mechanics there by lessening the chance of coming to an agreement, even if its to disagree.-----After we all had a moment to chill, I approach John in the back as he is looking through the box of movies on the desk under the mounted tv. "Hey buddy, no hard feelings right?"  "Oh yea of coarse not." he says. "I wasn't mad, I don't understand why she was getting so upset. But that's liberals for you they all have a temper and can't control it."  Hearing this last part again struck a nerve in me but I wanted to make sure my rebuttal to his condescending statement was not condescending my self. I wanted to say "Are you stupid are something?" But I opted out for "John, I don't think it's fair to say that all liberals are hot tempered and un-controlling. Again I have to point out that regardless of what one's views are, anyone can be hot tempered or low tempered."  "He simply said that was not his experience because his father is a liberal and is hot headed."  I could have went on and tried explaining that one case is not justifiable to make an over all claim, in logic it is called a hasty generalization fallacy, but I have grown to understand that some people have been wired to hold on to their views more than seeking truth or understanding and that, though it is not impossible to reason with them, it can be very very difficult. In the end we shake hands and agree to disagree on some of the subjects and I head up front and when I hear the chime of my phone the indicates I have a message. It's from a good friend a work who is feeling sick and wants me to work for her tonight. My first response back as "No, Sorry." feeling a bit overwhelmed after just working a double and two shifts over the weekend. But after further contemplation I decided I could use the money and that I wanted to help her out. I later regretted this decision  after confirming I would be in tonight. I realized shortly after that  I was under a lot more stress than I previously thought. My emotions run rampant with the thoughts of trying to do too much. I make this statement to Tim, when it occurs to me that he's frustrated with not being able to get work and just how silly of me it is to go on complaining. But apart of me still thinks to my self  "I never knew it would be so hard to go homeless."  This statement as I ponder on it now carries with it a double meaning. On one hand, for one to have to be put into this situation with little to no choice...the experience is going to be hard. And Now that I'm am starting to get a little bit more into the swing of things I can see how and why. On the other hand, there seem to be too many factors involved for me to commit fully! To many responsibilities to take care of within and out side of this project. I am in a sense too often, too busy to be homeless. I feel as though I am running but not getting anywhere. Working but with no pay off. To offer up an Idea I submit the following of what this project fully intells. To start with there is the responsibilities of moving. This project as I've stated was to be in full swing by December 1st and it is now the 18th and I have yet been able to pull this off. For a couple reasons. First off my roommate needed an extra month and a half to get his situation in order, which is understandable given his circumstances. But this has forced me to pay an extra months of utilities and rent. Second I'm and have been with out a license for almost 8 years now and securing a truck or U-hal with movers to help has proven more difficult than originally thought. This is  because of the money it takes and the time of both my schedule and others. I have so far had to push my move date back twice. Add to this that my stuff will be separated between 3 different places...the shelter, a storage shed and my new office/flop house and it posses more of a problem. Second there is my responsibilities to make a living by working an actual job wile at the same time trying to start  and get up and running my 4th business venture...WAGE PEACE. Third, my responsiblities to make time for my family and girl friend or even just have free time to relax. Last but not least there are the objectives themselves with in the mission: going homeless and what each objective carries with it. They are as follow  -Build relationships with members of pads by spending quality time getting to know them and their situation.  -Research and build case studies for community out reach program and day program.  -Film and write a documentary on the human experience and process  -Give public speeches on findings & experience.  -Gain experience and exposure to ensure future opportunities in social entrepreneurship and non profit   -Save up money to pay off debts and to invest in future non profits. When I first embarked on this journey I was self assured that I would be doing this with the help of several others on board that would help share in some of the responsibilities that would make this effort worth wile and effective. But it has appeared so far that my optimism has failed me in this. And I do not place blame with anyone in which I thought would be on board because those of who I thought would be a part of this have many things going on in their lives which is what I assume has kept them from helping in this project. But alas I feel my self alone with the weight of this project on my shoulders and in my head. I am, for the most part,  lost on how to go about it now and what to do next except to continue writing... when I can. The responsibilities of each objective alone covers a vast area. areas in which I find my self trying to cover, but with little to no avail at times. There is a vast amount of action in the form of  reading, research, writing, thinking, meetings and speaking that goes into each one of these. Trying to do this all has left me with little time to even try and spend with the people at the shelter. But maybe my dream is too big, maybe I should have never even tried to pull something like this off. I can't help but be pissed at the situation I find myself in. Completely trapped between a project to big to pull off myself, a passion to succeed that drives me and wont' subside, the need to make a difference and in not doing so would mean another failed venture....I don't know if I can take another failed venture. It would could be the end of me...and I don't mean my life. I just mean my spirit. I often times wish I could believe in a God. At least I could have someone to cuss out or pray too. But I don't...not enough anyway. I can only rely on the stories of those who have achieved success before me and know that success is a road paved with more failure than success. But it's not only this I have to fight with i have to fight back my pessimism. success can often make people harsh and cold...because of what you have to go through to get there. It's tearing me up inside. I'm being torn in every direction in which feel I must run with to succeed at this. And I don't even know what this success should look like. Even if I do make it I don't know if I can come out whole. All I know is that it seems I'm often too busy to be homeless. But maybe that's it. Maybe that's part of the solution, keeping busy, that is. Or at least in regard to bettering one's self or situation. I'm always looking to improve. I guess I just need to be happy that I have this problem instead of the one in which I'd have too much time and not anything to do with it.