Mission: Going Homeless "Day 2"

 "All events are true based on how I remember & interpret them, though names have been changed. The facts and opinions I talk about regarding these issues are typically well researched and not written lightly on, without much thought and consideration. These blogs are drafts that will be gone over in time when compiled into the book. They are being posted now to promote the issues "now" and to get feed back from those who wish to help in the process. Just because you are tagged in them I do not expect you will always have the time to read or keep up with them, so please don't feel obligated to. I expect some if not many grammatical and spelling errors. Other than that please feel free to give me feed back whither, positive or critical. I need both! Either with my writing style, ethical principles or philosophical interpretations. Some of the issues I discuss involve walking a fine line between respecting certain views in several subject areas and challenging them and the status-quo... I'm trying to walk it the best I can. Thank you!

You can't come back....(Tonight was a short night at the shelter, meaning I didn't stay long)   I sat here in my chair at my apartment,the lease of the terms of agreement not ending until January 15. The plan was to be out by December 1st...or so I thought. But the extension was necessary so my roommate has enough time to get situated. What would I be saying if my actions in trying to understand and prevent homelessness put my roommate in that exact situation? Not good, but it's given me the time to move out in a process and get things situated my self, so I'm not too worried about. But the show must go on.  I'm watching scholarly videos on the historical evidence of Christ "Fact or Fiction" for research on another blog I'm working on entitled "Agnostic Philosophy".  It's about 6:30pm, getting close to the time when the doors open at the Shelter, 7pm-7am and lunch only from 11-1. My stomach all ready to go because I am actually getting pretty hungry...and don't have money to buy anything given my money had to go to the courts today to keep me out of jail for a fine I had back in 06 on an underage drinking charge. Like I said, life has been quite ironic in making sure I fulfill the part of being homeless and broke as much as possible,ha. I'm wondering what they'll have. Being a kosher vegetarian I realize that the saying "Beggars can't be choosers" means a little more to me now than before. That I'm going to have to bite the bullet, or in this case "meat" in order to live this through. I start getting ready about 7:05 after a couple more posts on facebook a little browsing of my fellow Facebookers posts and A call to my friend and partner in crime Hank, who is helping me do the video documentary for this...No answer. "Damn It! I knew I should have called him earlier." "Oh well should I change?" I'm still wearing my dress pants from court today with an all white shirt and a red and gray hoodie with draw stings that double as broken earphones. To say the least I don't match. I thought about changing before I went up there until it occurred to me that I'm going to be around some of the least judgmental people you can ever meet...at least when it comes to not looking your best. It brings a smile to my face knowing that they'll just look right past all this unmatched mess and judge me on my character. I wonder... is this a characteristic they've developed over time because they have so often been judged by their dress code? Do they see the "somewhat" ignorance in this? Have they developed a wisdom that a good portion of society has seemed to forgotten and overlooked or should I say.. not overlooked. Either way I'm comfortable and I'm going as is. I'll fit in a little better anyways. I grab my Jacket off the top door stop of my closet it hangs on. The Jacket I left in my grandmothers van earlier with my cigarettes in it...I hate smoking, and that I like it so much. A battle I've had a good part of my life along with other addictions. But this time when I quit it's for good!...I hope.  I make a half ass attempt to try and grab stuff I'll need for the night by not even really paying attention to what I'm grabbing or doing. In retrospect, ever reminding me that my meditation goes beyond sitting and being aware to being fully present in what I'm doing at any given moment. I'm getting  better little by little though. Satisfied enough and my stomach starting to take on more and more of my attention I head out the door. It's dark, but not that cold out tonight. I don't like the cold and am not looking forward to the part when I will actually be sleeping on the streets.. or alleyways or wherever I end up. No tonight I rather enjoy the air.  On my way to the shelter I'm finishing up a half cigarette I grabbed from the basement...the only place I smoke when it gets cold, and I wonder who is all going to be up there for supper. Supper usually yields more people than who actually stay the night. Cutting through and crossing the large empty park on my way there I see man in the distant, humble and scraggly looking. I wonder if we're heading to the same place....There I go judging someone based off how they look...and nope he's not. But who knows? Maybe he has been, or will in the future or in a taboo way would "want" to and not know it.. Sometimes homeless is better than a home. One of the things I've come to realize from my previous stay and volunteering is that some of the gentlemen or ladies who do stay at the shelter are more than capable of getting a place but they'd rather be there.. and it's not always because of what you may think. Some of the reasons my surprise you. I know one gentlemen who had more than enough money from his SSI and he didn't drink or have any addictions that we were aware of to blow his money on. His remarks and attitude suggested that the shelter was his "home" the people there were his "family" that to be alone in an apartment by his self would be too much. They would be the self made walls of a prison, a solitary confinement to reflect upon what is truly our only prison AND our only true freedom!... that which is in our minds. We must learn to get beyond our own prisons. To see that companionship has it's rightful place but is not always the best place--  I can relate though...even as an introvert. I've longed and enjoyed places where a brotherhood has been established, even in the most darkest places they can give comfort or "numbness" from an even darker place with in me.  I've found them... in rehab..in jail.. In drug users and rebels. These close inclosed quarters allow a freedom in each other and escape from the our mental onslaught of negative thoughts and emotions...I once watched a movie "the Salton Sea" in which gave voice to an unnecessary but wanted and warranted truth  "When You finally hit bottom and you know who you are, because you can't go any lower. When you find... a friendship that you wouldn't have found anywhere else. Still and all, there's a kind of intimacy with those that can go the distance."  When two or more people have nothing to do but escape in each other it's sometimes beautiful...sometimes sick.. but often times a little of both.  In the distance as I approach the building I see people squatting and leaning against the building smoking. "Seriously"  I think "Did I read  the clock right" I approach them and give a nod and say hello. A couple recuperate the greetings, the others just stare off into the distance or into the thoughts and images in their minds. I reach the door and see people eating. A quite almost unnoticeable "yes" comes from my stomach.  The light is not so blinding this time as I open the door. The place is half way packed full of people, some I remember from the other night, some from never. The Kitchen ladies are hard at work cooking and serving with a smile. One of them I have met many times in the past as a volunteer. A blond lady, about 50 something and a unique lisp of some sorts. "You hungry?" they say almost in unison "You betcha"  I reply back. I wonder if the one kitchen lady remembers me? It doesn't seem so...Or at least she's good at keeping her wonderment to her self Or maybe she just doesn't judge or think anything about it. Maybe She just understands sometimes people no matter how high they're up can sometimes  come crashing down. I would guess one of the latter two given she's always seemed to be one of the most happiest, non judgmental people I've known. I start to sit down but then realize that I forgot to register for the night, which is the policy so they can keep track of their records of who stays and who eats. The lady working the desk, which was my job when I volunteered there, is a lady I recognize as one of the pads's board members when I presented the project Mission: "Going Homeless" to them. She looks at me for a second kind of bewildered as if she's thinking "So he's really going through with it." "It's Kory right?"  "Yea"  "Oh shoot what's your last name again?" "Stone" I say. "Date of Birth?" "4-3 of 87" . "Okay then, that about does it  Kory. Go ahead and grab a bed." "Alrighty, thank you!" A second latter thinking "That's right."  my stomach will have to wait just a little longer I need to put my stuff up and secure my sleeping quarters for tonight. I walk back to to the back and see that the bed I slept in the other night seemed to be open again. So I throw my bag under the bed and head back up front. But not before the lady board member of pads stops me and asks how the "Mission" is going. "Fine" I tell her. "Tonight is my second night. It would have been my third but I had to take care of some business in Charleston today so I stayed there last night." She nods--appearing to not really know what to say next accept " Okay,I wasn't sure if you've started or not yet." I just say "Yep" and then  Looking to escape the awkwardness I find the chair next to two gentlemen the one were calling Dam and the other we'll call Brian. The Chair is empty and low and behold there is a plate ready for me. I notice it's mack and cheese with meat, a side of corn, some really well mixed up mashed potatoes and gravy and a small piece of cake. I stare at if for a second and think "I wonder if they have something...more vegetarian. But thought it best not to ask given i was hungry and that it would just have seemed rude to me to ask such a question and that it would have went against the spirit of  the mission. But I did at least find it within me to ask for a definite food necessity..."Hot sauce" baby:) So after drenching everything I could in it I swallow my disgust, shut up my mind, open my mouth and swallow the meat filed mac and cheese...It's not that bad if I try and not think about it. Plus...being that it's a shelter with limited income they withheld a lot of the meat..thank god,ha! I engage the gentlemen next to me by inviting my self into their conversation about what they did today. "I sat up at the Library for about 6 hours strait. Three of them being on the computer"  Alex said. "I thought the library cards only gave you the allotted time of  two hours" Said Dan "Yea they do. But Someone left without logging out. So I used up their time and then used up the two hours on my card"  "Oh I see" says Dan. After probing Alex to tell me more about his day, he went on to tell us about a day in the life his "homeless experience." A life in which many ascribe too in passing the time when the shelter is closed. A life of sitting at the computer for the restricted time and then of reading magazines of  "Motor Trend"  and "Hot Rod"  waiting for something else to do or the shelter to open up. This  eventually led us to a long talk on NASCAR, something of which I know little about but learned a lot about and found actually pretty interesting. After we all finished up Dan stood up wile taking a call of someone on the other line. "Well no work tomorrow It looks like" he said, me not really being sure if he took that as a positive, a negative or had mixed feelings. Probably the later of the three. He told me what he did for a paycheck the other night but I forget already. Something I'm going to have to get better at, remembering those important details that is. And not for the column necessarily. But because it shows you care enough to remember those details about people. I'm sure you've felt it before. Those times you've told someone a million times about something about yourself and they never remember. You get this since that they maybe trying to be polite by asking, but they're inconsiderate enough to not remember any of it. And it usually comes off that way whither they are or are not being inconsiderate. As they all head out to smoke or head home for the night I decide I'm gong to help clean up since it looks like everyone is done. I ask for the cleaning materials. A spray bottle with bleach water and some paper towels and then proceed to wipe the tables down and put the extra chairs up." It's been my philosophy since I've volunteered there and the research I've done on the motivational process of people and organizations that the shelter should be self sustainable as much as possible. Meaning that no matter how broke a person is, with in reason, they should be apart of the process of keeping it up. Instead it's sett to were they are waited on for the most part by the volunteers. There is a great book based on this philosophy called "When Helping Hurts"  And don't get me wrong some of them up there do a good job of helping out, but like most things there is room for improvement. Which thankfully is moving into that direction! After finishing up and waiting for the women to come back inside from smoking...men and women can't stand out side and smoke together because of some incidences in the past, I then head outside to smoke myself...But to no avail. I must have put my cigarettes in my back pack because they're not in any of my pockets. I head to the back to get my back pack and stop and see Alex reading a book that looks familiar. It's the AA or "Alcoholics Anonymous" book. But even knowing what the book is I ask him what he's reading in order to build a connection given I've spent 10 years of my life in and out of programs like AA. He tells me and we carry on a little conversation about our own experiences and the possibility of starting a group within the shelter. He goes on to show the gracious, unselfishness brother hood I've often seen within these programs, as to even offer me his "12 and 12" . Which is An offset of the AA based on the 12 steps and 12 traditions. The foundations for the majority of the"anonymous" programs. I decline at the moment telling him I'd probably like tor read it in the future, thank him and tell him we'll talk more about it later.About a minute or two and several attempts to check and recheck and recheck my backpack and pockets within my jackets. I realize I forgot my cigarettes. "Sh!T...mother phucker...I knew it...I always forget something...damn un-mindfullness" Shhhhh..awhhoooo. (breathing out)  I knew I had to ask...though I was sure I knew what the answer was going to be. I headed up towards the front where the front desk and keeper of law is.  "Is there anyway I can take off for a minute?"  "Where too?" the board/desk lady asks. My apartment I say. And the words even though meant in an sincere and apologetic way, facial expressions and all, come across cold and definite. "No, I'm sorry once you're here you have to stay. If you leave...You can't comeback."  That was it. I knew the rules and I knew that I had to abide by them just like anyone else. I thank her and head back to my bed. "Thinking to my self" "What the hell am I going to do?" I could "bum" a cigarette. But there is a couple problems with that. Half the people here don't have them and if they do they're not likely to because they can't afford to buy them half the time, a cruel vice in a more cruel world,  often leading them to want to hold on to them and the ones that can afford them are usually tired of giving them out to the ones that can't half the time. My pride won't allow it. I can go homeless but I can't ask a homeless guy for some cigarettes. Try and figure that one out!  And two, I have a long night ahead of me. I have to stay up too at least the earliest of 5am in the morning so I can sleep in the rest of the  morning to be rested up to stay up to work my 2nd/3rd  double shift at my job tomorrow. "God...why does crap always happen to me?" "Why can't things just run smoothly" "This is b.s! Here I am trying to help people and life keeps messing crap up for me"  "Okay enough of the pessimism negative Nancy. You're just going to have to accept what is"...and unfortunately that's not staying here tonight. I'll just have to pick up were I left off on Monday night when I'm done with my weekend double shifts. I grab my bag and head up to the desk and explain that my addiction to death sticks are more powerful than any intention to stay here tonight. She looks at me like she understands and says "Okay sweetie" I tell her I'll be back on Monday night and head out the door telling everyone goodnight....Did I mention I hate smoking?